Jokes

[anthonyclark]

Originally Posted by supy1962

Mexican Words Of Th e Day
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car There's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder* My fren wants 2 become a citizen, But che didn't know how to read, So I, shoulder. 4. * Texas * When I'm not home, My fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am! 5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece Then che got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store But ju went to see sum guy, July to me! Julyer! 7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars But my wife rectum! 8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife But che said chicken go herself. 9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left But don't worry wheelchair 10. *Chicken* *wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing. 11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women. I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me. 12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair So I had to pick the bishop.

I look forward to forwarding these jokes to my Hispanic relatives and Friends.
I drive a sherry red cheby!LMFAO

[powerman]

Originally Posted by anthonyclark

I look forward to forwarding these jokes to my Hispanic relatives and Friends.
I drive a sherry red cheby!LMFAO

I had a nice 65 cheby ragtop. Che was a nice ride

[anthonyclark]

A touching Tribute.

[powerman]

Originally Posted by anthonyclark

A touching Tribute.

LOL i saw this a while back. Nice way to be displayed

[powerman]

A Mexican, an Arab,

and an Arizona girl are
in the same bar.

When the Mexican
finishes his beer,

he throws his glass



in the air, pulls out



his pistol, and shoots



the glass to pieces.



He says, 'In Mexico ,



our glasses are so



cheap we don't need



to drink with the same one twice.'



The Arab, obviously



impressed by this,



drinks non-alcohol beer



(cuz he's a muslim!),



throws it into the



air, pulls out his



AK-47, and shoots



the glass to pieces.



He says, 'In the



Arab World, we have



so much sand to make



glasses that we don't



need to drink with



the same one twice either.'



The Arizona girl,



cool as a cucumber,



picks up her beer,



downs it in one gulp,



throws the glass into



the air, whips out her



45, and shoots the



Mexican and the Arab.



Catching her glass,



setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,



she says,



'In Arizona ,



we have so many



illegal aliens that



we don't have to



drink with the same ones twice.'



God Bless Arizona

[breakthrough]

Good one

[Chal]

The Little Rascals at School.

The teacher:
"Today boys and girls we will be spelling words and using them in a sentence."
"Now Buckwheat can you spell dictate?"

Buckwheat:
"Oh yes ma'am, D-I-C-T-A-T-E."

Teacher:
"Very good Buckwheat! Now can you use that word in a sentence?"

Buckwheat:
"Hey Darla! How my dick tate?"

[cookiedough]

Good 1!

[Chal]

Computer Question:
Now here is a challenge!



For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...


Try this!


So, you think you're so smart.


Let's see how computer literate you are .......



*WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN?*




123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm






GIVE UP? SEE THE ANSWER BELOW














YEP. THAT WOULD DO IT !!

[Chal]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Irving Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"


"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing!
What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

[Chal]

The Lone Ranger's
Last Request










The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.



The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...



"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"READ MY LIPS!!!!"
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...



"BRING POSSE"

[Replicator]

FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS



1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house”. (The Daily Telegraph)


2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)



3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times)



5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)



6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler”. (Bournemouth Evening Echo)



REP

[JayRock]

yall might've seen these already...


You Know You're Hardcore If....

• You’ve ever counted “reps” while masturbating.

A huge freak of a bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom...he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his arms and says,

"See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs,

"See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks,
"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[JayRock]

QUIPS....


“There won’t be a nativity scene in Washington D.C., this year. They can’t find three wise men.”

“I wonder, is a bicuspid a gay dentist?”

"Woman was so cross-eyed, when she cried the tears ran down her back!"[Phil Kidd]

A man went to see a psychiatrist and explained “Last night I had a strange dream. I dreamed I was a wigwam and a tepee.” The Psychiatrist smiled and said, “Oh! You’re just two tense(tents)!”

I don’t know who named the Senate Office Building, but at least they got the initials right.

Adam went to sleep and woke up married and had a job. We don't read where Adam ever went to sleep again.

They say if you play country music backwards you get your dog back, your wife back...

“I visited a petrified forest the other day. All the animals were afraid of me!”

"It took me an hour to bury that cat...Darn thing kept moving!"

[Chal]

I thought you might like to know
'How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist'



His name is:
"YO MAMA BIN SHOPPIN"

[Chal]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

SCREW THE SHRINKS ... HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

[Chal]

Q: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters then where do girls with one leg work?




A: IHOP.

Don't forget to tip your waitress.

[Jimbo]

Originally Posted by powerman

A Mexican, an Arab,

and an Arizona girl are
in the same bar.

When the Mexican
finishes his beer,

he throws his glass



in the air, pulls out



his pistol, and shoots



the glass to pieces.



He says, 'In Mexico ,



our glasses are so



cheap we don't need



to drink with the same one twice.'



The Arab, obviously



impressed by this,



drinks non-alcohol beer



(cuz he's a muslim!),



throws it into the



air, pulls out his



AK-47, and shoots



the glass to pieces.



He says, 'In the



Arab World, we have



so much sand to make



glasses that we don't



need to drink with



the same one twice either.'



The Arizona girl,



cool as a cucumber,



picks up her beer,



downs it in one gulp,



throws the glass into



the air, whips out her



45, and shoots the



Mexican and the Arab.



Catching her glass,



setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill,



she says,



'In Arizona ,



we have so many



illegal aliens that



we don't have to



drink with the same ones twice.'



God Bless Arizona

[Chal]

Tattoo of the year

My son told me, Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.
I told him No, nobody has one in our family ... and you are not having one.
He asked me, Why not ? All my friends have a tattoo !

I told him, It would be a stain on your body !
He pleaded with me, Dad, please, please, just a Cartoon Character on the belly ?

And after many hours of discussion I gave in and decided to let him.
After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice ...

and I thought ...
a Cartoon Character ...
is probably not so bad !