Jokes

[powerman]

"Fucking women hey?, boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleached, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, belly's and clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits, lips tatooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise & they won't take it up the ass cause it HURTS? "







A woman's poem:

Before i lay me down to sleep, i pray for a man who's not a creep, one who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, one who thinks before he speaks, one who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, and when i spend, won't get annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.

A Man's poem:

I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits, who owns a bar on a golf course and loves the taste of dick. This doesn't rhyme, but who gives a fuck.

[powerman]

A woman calls a cab and realizes she has no cash. She spreads her legs and says "can i pay you with this?" The driver looks and says "you got anything smaller"?




One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."

[powerman]

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time. She said. 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian and an American Hillbilly named Vern were set to
square off for the Olympic wrestling gold medal.

Before the final match, Vern's trainer came to him and said
'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of his
'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'

The Hillbilly nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Vern and the Russian
circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
all of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Vern
and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then
a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time
to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with
a thud and the Hillbilly collapsed on top of him, making the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got Vern alone,
He asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!'

Vern answered 'Well, I was ready to give
up when he got me in that hold but at the last
moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
Testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing
to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I
stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own nuts.

[powerman]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[powerman]

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blueslifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet... Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9... You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b.. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom's b. gallery openings c. Ivy League colleges d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you older than dirt b. you blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Bluesbeverages are: a. cheap wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make Your Own Blues Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.


20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues
Reply

[powerman]

check this out

99wordsforboobs.wmv


Its pretty good...lol

[cookiedough]

Originally Posted by supy1962

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all at the same time. She said. 'You have the biggest dick of all your friends.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian and an American Hillbilly named Vern were set to
square off for the Olympic wrestling gold medal.

Before the final match, Vern's trainer came to him and said
'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this
Russian. He's never lost a match because of his
'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'

The Hillbilly nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Vern and the Russian
circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
all of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Vern
and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the
trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then
a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time
to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with
a thud and the Hillbilly collapsed on top of him, making the pin and
winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got Vern alone,
He asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!'

Vern answered 'Well, I was ready to give
up when he got me in that hold but at the last
moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
Testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing
to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I
stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you
get when you bite your own nuts.

Good 1! Didn't expect the punch line and those are always the best

[kj1212]

Originally Posted by cookiedough

good 1! Didn't expect the punch line and those are always the best

bump
lmfao!

[yohimbe]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A.. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!

[powerman]

Good stuff Yohimbe....lol

[Replicator]

all brilliant

[breakthrough]

This thread keeps getting better! Great stuff Supy and Yohimbe!

[powerman]

If a conservative doesn't like guns, they don't bu= one.
If a liberal doe=n't like guns, then no one should have one.
If a conservativ= is a vegetarian, they don't eat meat.
If a liberal is = vegetarian, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservativ= sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonder= how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservativ= is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. =B>
=STRONG>If a liberal is homosexual, they =oudly demand legislated respect.
If a black man o= Hispanic is conservative , they see themselves as independently successfu=.
Their liberal co=nterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservativ= is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonder= who is going to take care of him.
If a conservativ= doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand =hat those they don't like be shut down.
<=DIV>
If a conservativ= decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choos= a job that provides it.
A liberal demand= that his neighbors pay for his.
If a conservativ= is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-be=iever wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a
foreign rel=gion, of course!)
If a conservativ= slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal sli=s and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservativ= reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".

[powerman]

You're An EXTREME Redneck Roberto When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[powerman]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles...

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next Morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He
called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither, "yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and
one of them is honking the horn

[powerman]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit . that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.


There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can even shit a brick!

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.


You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.


Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!





They forgot my favorite - he wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful.

OR MY FAVORITE: SHIT HAPPENS, THEN YOU MARRY ONE

[powerman]

Subject: The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

- You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
- There a r e six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
- The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


Reply Reply to all Forward

[powerman]

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...29731&page=184


go to post 5503 LMFAO kid meets powerlifting robot

[breakthrough]

Originally Posted by supy1962

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...29731&page=184


go to post 5503 LMFAO kid meets powerlifting robot

That was awesome!

[Replicator]

Originally Posted by breakthrough

That was awesome!

it was ...eh , that was great.......... Sqauts cure fuckin everything ..................
you better believe it

[powerman]

Subject: Ambiguity


The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONK EYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONK EYS AND
APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE K NOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOO K STORE AND AS K ED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO K ILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CA N THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK ?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TAL K ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD


Reply Forward

[powerman]

Subject: Ambiguity


The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE:


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONK EYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONK EYS AND
APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE K NOWS WHERE ALL THE
BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOO K STORE AND AS K ED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH
SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO K ILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED
PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CA N THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK ?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TAL K ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME
DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD


Reply Forward

[powerman]

. Here are a few of his observations on tactics, firearms, self defense and life as we know it in the civilized world.· "The handgun would not be my choice of weapon if I knew I was going to a fight....I'd choose a rifle, a shotgun, an RPG or an atomic bomb instead."· "The two most important rules in a gunfight are: Always cheat and Always win."· "Every time I teach a class, I discover I don't know something."· "Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way." · "Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets. I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, cause it's going to be empty." · "If you're not shootin', you should be loadin'. If you're not loadin, you should be movin', if you're not movin', someone's gonna cut your head off and put it on a stick."· "When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket... If you light yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy...and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty soon."
· "Nothing adds a little class to a sniper course like a babe in a Ghilliesuit." · "Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."· "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous.. If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for."· "Don't shoot fast, shoot good." · "You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the universal language."· "You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live depends on how well you do it." · "You cannot save the planet. You may be able to save yourself and your family."
· More Excellent Gun Wisdom.......The purpose of fighting is to Win!
· The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
· If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
· When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
· An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
· Beware the man who only has one gun. He probably knows how to use it!· 'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' - G. K. Chesterton· A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose both. · 'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson· "A general dissolution of principles and manners will more surely overthrow the liberties of America than the whole force of the common enemy." -- Samuel Adams If you believe in the 2nd Amendment, please forward. I just did.

[powerman]

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[Replicator]

Originally Posted by supy1962

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bwahahaahahha
ahhh Supy that is real funny shit , best joke in this thread !!
REP