Jokes

[Replicator]

Originally Posted by admin

BIGGEST JOKE EVER

bwahahahahahahahahahaahahah:rofl :

[powerman]

If you ever get the
Sudden
Urge to run a round naked,

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from
Streaking.

[cookiedough]

Originally Posted by supy1962

If you ever get the
Sudden
Urge to run a round naked,

You should sniff some Windex first.

It'll keep you from
Streaking.

Is this what your therapist suggested?

[yohimbe]

Originally Posted by admin

BIGGEST JOKE EVER

That's funny shit

[yohimbe]

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?







Dr Dre

[yohimbe]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What are woman used for ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
Done wrong?
Made her chain too long

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
Still think they are sexy.

[Replicator]

Brilliant my african friend
rep

[yohimbe]

A black guy and his wife are invited to a fancy dress party. He tells
his wife to go and look for the costumes.
That night, when he gets back from work, he finds on the bed a SUPERMAN
costume. Shouting, he says to his wife:'What the f*#k is this? When
have you ever seen a black SUPERMAN ?'
The wife is upset and goes back to the shop to exchange it. When the
husband arrives, on the bed he sees a BATMAN costume and he shouts:
'You
are f*#king mad woman. When have you seen a black BATMAN? Go and change
it for something better.'
The wife is now very annoyed, she returns the costume and buys various
things. On the bed she places 3 white buttons, a white belt and a wooden
pole. When the husband returns and finds the objects on the bed, he says
to his wife: 'Whats this ?'

The wife responds: ' Its so that you can choose your costume: If you
take off your clothes and stick the buttons to your body you can go as a
Domino. If you don't like that, you can wear the white belt and go as
an Oreo biscuit. If your still not happy, you can stick the pole up
you're a#s and go as a MAGNUM.'

[powerman]

LMAO Yohimbe good stuff

[breakthrough]

I hope we don't find that Las Vegas Hooker story in Supy's autobiography one day .

[powerman]

Originally Posted by breakthrough

I hope we don't find that Las Vegas Hooker story in Supy's autobiography one day .

Me too..........LMAO

[breakthrough]

Holy shit those woman jokes had me in tears....good shit Yohimbe!

[powerman]

Originally Posted by breakthrough

Holy shit those woman jokes had me in tears....good shit Yohimbe!

Me too..lol

[trogdor]

Originally Posted by breakthrough

Holy shit those woman jokes had me in tears....good shit Yohimbe!

lol... same here... Good stuff here Yohimbe!

[powerman]

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER ..............







Hollywood Squares:


These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..




Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

[RiverGirl]

Hilarious!

[freakofnature]

Good stuff Supy.....

[freakofnature]

Originally Posted by admin

BIGGEST JOKE EVER

ADMIN made a funny....

[cookiedough]

Originally Posted by freakofnature

ADMIN made a funny....

Yukkety fuckin yuck. How do you cure a nympho maniac? Marry her. Same joke as Yohimbe's, just thought you'd appreciate.

[cookiedough]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the fuck up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

[breakthrough]

*I went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. The doctor said "Oh really? What have you been doing for it?" I replied "Snorting pepper."

*I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Thyroid problem?"

[breakthrough]

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

All of a sudden the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,

"Now, tell Him you have a headache."

[breakthrough]

Why Beer Is Better Than Women

* You can enjoy a beer all month long.
* Beer stains wash out.
* You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
* Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
* If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
* Beer is never late.
* A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
* A hangover will go away.
* Beer labels come off without a fight.
* When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
* A beer never has a headache.
* A beer will never nag you.
* A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
* If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
* A beer always goes down easy.
* You can share a beer with friends.
* You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
* A beer is always wet.
* A beer doesn't demand equality.
* You can have a beer in public.
* A beer doesn't care what time you come home.
* A frigid beer is a good beer.
* You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.
* If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.

[breakthrough]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said.
"Yes", she responded "So what?"
"I would have gotten out of prison today", he sobbed.

What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
Money

Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.

What do you call an intelligent woman in America?
A tourist.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman!

How is marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Which is this?"

A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an elevator.
There is a $10 note lying on the ground. Who picks it up?
The businessman; the other two don't exist!

Why do women have tits and cunts?
Because otherwise they would be completely fucking useless.

Why do women have breasts?
To make suckers out of men.

What is that useless piece of skin called around a vagina?
The woman!

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions so he decides to create a companion for man as well.
He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg."
Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies reluctantly, "I don't know God, an arm and a leg is an awful lot, what could I get for, say, a rib..."

[powerman]

Italian Bread
Two old guys,one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.
It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ....
By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it everyone knew about this shit but me